5 WEEKS!

Yep! It's 5 weeks to our due date.. Dec 29! I can hardly believe it.. it feels like we have been "living" for December for so long, and it's FINALLY here! Oh, how we can't wait to meet little Ms. R! She is and already has been one of life's biggest blessings!

However, there's a part of me that aches, the part where there should be a big brother welcoming her into this world too..  I think for so long, I kept telling myself, once we have another baby in our arms, this ache will go away! Well.. with December approaching, I'm realizing that this is bringing more emotions than I've ever bargained for! I've heard other SIDS related parents talk about the guilt they have when getting excited for the following child they are expecting.. I can totally relate. Sometimes,  I feel guilty for moving all of Reegan's stuff aside, and redoing his room with all girlie things. Or, the guilt of getting excited for another new baby too love, hold, and to make, Lord willing, a lifetime of memories with. I'm told this is normal, but with that being said, I'm trying my hardest to be aware of it, but to not feel any guilt at all.. as I know Reegan would be sad if he knew how much we struggled with this! After all, Reegan LOVED children, I can only imagine how big his eyes would have been if he was able to welcome her home!

Reality is slowly starting to settle in. I thought I'd help it along as I packed her hospital bag today! The nursery is almost completed, just a few more small details to finish and it will be done! I'm seriously starting to wonder if reality won't kick in until I'm in labor - it may be a little late by then! :) The last 8 months have flown by, when I think back to how long 8 months took with Reegan. My pregnancy with Reegan felt as if it was never going to end, hurry up, I'm ready to be a mama kind of feeling. Andrew and myself both were very anxious as we anticipated how Reegan was about to change our lives.. and boy did he ever! I just mentioned to Andrew the other day, are you ready to do this all over again? He doesn't say too much, maybe he's doing the same, afraid to get too attached to the idea, just in case God's plans are different than ours.

I write this post tonight, and ask that you will pray for us specifically in the next month. Pray for our hearts as we enter this holiday season. Certain days we seem to remember what we had been doing a year ago with Reegan, just as I reminded Andrew this evening, Reegan was baptized a year ago tomorrow, November 25, 2012.  Dates like this always sting a bit. However, I remember our Thanksgiving celebrations that we had last year very well. I remember handing out our Christmas / Reegan's birth announcement at our Thanksgiving gatherings - with a very thankful heart! This year I will choose to be thankful for Reegan's life, and for every day of life that we are blessed with Ms. R! I have learned to never take a day for granted, and I'm truly trying to live this out as well!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Remembering Reegan..

October 16 - has come and gone... for this I'm so thankful.  The week leading up to Wednesday (his birthday) was incredibly hard. It felt as if we were just days out since the funeral. It felt like I was living in a fog, and when people would talk to us about Reegan's upcoming birthday, I would try so hard to hold it together, and not let the tears fall. Although, I know it's okay to let the tears come, just having to emotionally pull myself together again was mentally draining..

Reegan's first birthday was definitely not how I ever envisioned it would be.. but then again, who thinks that a healthy child won't live to see their next birthday. However, we did celebrate with family and close friends, and made the very best of it. We started the evening by releasing balloons at the cemetery. We all wrote a special note on a balloon, and then released them. It was beautiful, peaceful, and perfect. I find writing very therapeutic for myself, so being able to write a little special note to Reegan on his birthday, brought much healing..

Afterwards we came back to our home and ate Pizza Ranch pizza, and had cake and ice cream.

However, we were not the only ones remembering Reegan on his first birthday, most of Sioux Center was too! The Sioux Center News asked Andrew and myself to do an interview on SIDS just a week before his birthday. October was infant loss / SIDS awareness month, and the local newspaper was wanting to do an article in honor of all those tiny lives lost. I remember Andrew telling me about this opportunity, and at first my reaction was to say, thanks, but no thanks! I have been dreading this day for so long, the last thing I wanted to do was speak about what should have been a first birthday. After sleeping on it a night, Andrew consulted the interviewer about what we could expect as far as questions to help ease some of the anxiety of what we both had been feeling. The interviewer informed us that she was hoping to interview soon, as she wanted the article to be placed in the October 16th (following week's) issue. Ahhh.. What? That was our sign, we knew immediately that we needed to do this! How awesome it was going to be that Reegan would get his own recognition in the local newspaper for this first birthday! Andrew and myself decided no better way to honor our little man, than to share with many others his beautiful life legacy!  We knew that if we were going to follow through with this, then we are going to be open and honest about everything, and so it goes...

(To read the article, you may need to adjust your zoom on your computer to be able to read this well!)