Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Awareness Month -

My heart beats rapid when I realize that it's finally October.. a month that we should be celebrating our son's birthday in just a few short weeks. We should be throwing a first birthday party, eating cake, and sharing lots of hugs and kisses.. but instead we will get to join in with many others in raising awareness for SIDS.

We are approaching that time of year, where I can feel my stomach in my throat. I can feel myself remembering what last year at this time we were doing. We were preparing to take home a sweet, baby boy, at anytime. I remember making final preparations to the nursery, making sure my hospital bag was ready to go at any given time, car seat installed, and the final to do lists completed before it was time. I sit here a year later, with many mixed emotions...

I am so thankful for what the last year has taught us. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us not once, but twice in a years time with two beautiful blessings. I would be lying to you, if I said I wasn't afraid that SIDS would happen again, or the thought of having to have my time cut short again with, Lord willing, a daughter at the end of this year, beginning of next. Then, I realize that I'm playing all the "What Ifs" in life.. and oh, does that ever put my mind in a whirlwind. I then have to  refocus my thoughts on how faithful and good God has been to us. The healing that He has provided, and the assurance of His providence is something that no words can explain. I have officially become more relaxed in this past year than I have ever been. I don't seem to fret about the little things anymore. I used to get so uptight in the uncertainty of the future. I played the "What If" game a lot with myself.. What if.. one of us lost our job, we couldn't get pregnant, one of us received a bad health report, lost a family member.. and the list goes on. Now, I see clearly and can say with conviction to EVERY single one of those.. God provides, cares, knows what your yesterday was, and what your tomorrow is. In reading, My Jesus Calling, I was recently reminded, again to not worry about tomorrow, because God is already there! Beautiful reminder.. and is something that I do remind myself of daily.

With October being SIDS awareness month, I am holding myself accountable to finishing Reegan's scrap book, follow through with an interview for the Sioux Center News, grave stone is placed, and celebrate October 16 with the most love in our hearts we could possibly have! We haven't exactly decided how we are going to celebrate yet, but regardless, I will remain thankful for the blessing Reegan was to us and so many others. I will remember his sweet smile, beautiful eyes, heartwarming coos, and loving personality until we are reunited again! This month is also a great reminder for me to pray for all other hurting families that have lost infant children. I'm convinced this ache will never go away.. but so thankful that God loves us and our children more than we can ever imagine!


This picture always puts a smile on my face,  I can just hear him cooing right now.. or singing beautifully in Heaven!

6 Months -
I can't believe we are approaching the 6 month milestone already.. it's hard to believe that Reegan would have been 10 months. I sit here and I just try to imagine what would life be like if Reegan was still here. Would he have been walking? What would have been his favorite foods? Would he have grown some hair on that little bald head of his?

However, I can say the peace that surpasses all understanding, and with time and many prayers Andrew and myself are doing considerable well. We have our moments, we have our days, that are still very hard. I think the hardest thing that we are anticipating right now, is that in 2 months it would have been his birthday.. October 16. What is this day going to bring? I will be honest, I'm afraid to face that day, and it's not that far away now. I'm afraid to face the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know this is only normal, and yet it doesn't make it any easier. I know that when those days approach that God will give us the extra strength we need to get through it.

Our lives have been as back to normal, as normal can be. We have been keeping ourselves incredibly busy this summer, it's helped with passing time. We have spent most weekends at the lakes, camping with family and friends. Spending time in God's creation, and enjoying each others fellowship has definitely brought good healing. Maybe our not so recent news anymore, has helped with that too! Lord willing we will be bringing home another baby at the end of this year, or beginning of next! We are so truly grateful that God has blessed us this soon again. Reegan left us with a burning desire to have more children. Our hearts break when we think he won't be here to be apart of his earthly family, or to be the big brother that I know he would have loved. I know that one day, God will reunite us all again, and my continual and constant prayer is that God's will on this earth will be completed soon!

We are beyond excited to become earthly parents again! It's hard to fathom that I'm half way there already... when I think of that, I realize that I need to kick it into gear. I have a LOT of things that I need to get done before then. Finish Reegan's scrapbook, clean and reorganize the nursery, repaint the nursery, you get the hint. Speaking of the nursery, I have had so many ask me what I'm going to do with Reegan's room. Good question, I'm hoping the ultrasound this Friday will give me an answer as to what needs to be done. I have not touched his room, other than it being complete dumping grounds for you name it at this point. The dresser, and closet look just the way they did 6 months ago. I have a bit of anxiety about having to pick up the pieces and move on. I know I could leave it, and use the other spare bedroom in our home, but I don't think that will solve anything either. I am hoping that a fresh coat of paint, some new artwork, and DIY projects that I have in mind, will give us a fresh start. If it's a boy, I'll have it made pretty easy with just having to swap clothes out from a tub that's in the bottom of the closet. However, if it's a girl, I've already been warned that grandma Roelfs is ready to buy pink, and lots of it, if she's given the chance!

The other common asked question? What would you like.. a boy or girl? Obviously, like any parent, our prayer is that this child is healthy, whether that be a boy or girl. A boy would be so fun again, I feel like we would be able to pick up where we left off.. not that this child would EVER replace Reegan. If it's a girl.. then that's a whole new ball game, and it's Andrew's turn to be out numbered! ;) Hopefully sometime over the weekend we will be able to reveal the sex of this child.. so you better stay tuned! I'm 98% confident we are having another boy... why? I feel exactly how I did last summer at this time, it's an identical pregnancy all over again. I guess time will only tell. Andrew on the other hand, he's rather hopeful for another boy.. go figure! :)

I pray that you are continually uplifting us in prayer, as we have many exciting things to look forward too, and yet our hearts are far from healed. Please pray for a continued and healthy pregnancy. Also, remember those who have lost children whether recent or in the past. This is definitely a hard road to walk, but with God's grace and mercy, and a supportive community of prayer warriors, it is possible to find the joy in everyday life even when some days that seems like the impossible.

I will try and not let another 3 months go by before I post again! Until then, thank you for your continued support.
Angela

 Happy Mother's Day! I've been anxious about this day all week. How do I help celebrate how great a mother Angela was, and help her find joy and confidence in her abilities, while still giving her room to be sad? It's funny how someone can be joyful and sad at the same time. Some days those are the emotions we live in.  Today will be hard for us, it will be hard for Angela. She doesn't have to be strong today, God will be strong for her, and I'll continue to offer many reminders of all the things she did well, and will continue to do well that day God blesses us again.

I also feel a little guilty, I've put so much time and thought into Angela's current state, I've barely even mentioned my own mother. Happy Mother's Day mom! Thanks for being there while we were growing up, carting us from one activity to the next, and raising us in a good Christian home.  Also, almost 12 years ago I was introduced to a mom that would later become my mother-in-law. Happy Mother's Day Brenda!

Happy Mother's Day..

I remember all to clearly being pregnant last year for Mother's Day. I was literally smiling from ear to ear.. because I was thinking all day.. how next year for Mother's Day I will have a baby of my own to cuddle and love on. Yeah... that's how I would have liked it.. but God had bigger and different plans than ours. Just maybe, God will fill our hurting arms and bless us with a baby kind of joy sooner than later. That is our prayer..

Although, today could be very depressing in itself. I'm going to try and keep my chin up today. I'm going to remember the time that I got to be a mom, to the most beautiful boy that I have ever known. I'm remembering how blessed I felt tucking that little man in every night. Rocking him to sleep was one of my favorite things to do as a mom. I enjoyed singing "Jesus Loves Me," as he would watch the fish go up and down in his lava lamp nightlight. It was perfect. Sometimes, I would just hold him and pray thanking God for Reegan. Afterall, being a mom is the best thing in the world, and by far the best thing I have experienced in this life! Having Reegan was the best 4.5 months of my life... why did this have to end so soon? I have asked myself that question unfortunatly too much in the last few days in anticipation for this coming weekend. I have spent much time looking back at many pictures, all that have been taken in the last 6 months. It's almost like I can't remember what it's like to have a sweet baby in my arms, so I have to look at pictures to remind myself of the pure joy that we once had. Oh, how my heart breaks when I see those dark blue eyes looking back at me. I can just hear him cooing. Oh Buddy Bear.. we miss you.

So I say I'm going to keep my chin up - I think this might be harder than I thought it would be. However, in the last few months I have made some new frienships with other moms who have and continue to walk the same shoes we have. I'm going to pray for extra grace today not only for myself but for them too. This will be the first Mother's Day, for many of those moms, without their children too. It's an ugly and too familiar road at this point, but we all know that it is God's plan and that our children are forever safe with him.

One of my favorite verses is: Jeremiah 29:11 -For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. This is such a beautiful reminder, again and again. I will not be stuck in these days of grief, but I will look ahead and keep my mind focused on what is yet to come. Whether this be a future family, a family vacation, or just getting through another day. I am forever hopeful. Hopeful for a brighter future, a brighter tomorrow. The words in Hebrew 11:1 are exactly how you live out Jeremiah 29:11. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. When the days are hard and with Mother's Day soon approaching I am continually reminding myself that Reegan is in the greatest place he could be. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and pick up my feet and look forward. God has great things in store for us. Romans 8:28 -  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Although, the last year is definetly not a road that I would have chosen for myself, I will be forever grateful for the time that God blessed me to be Reegan's mother for a short time here on this earth. I would not trade those days for the world. The Lord is GOOD he continues to bless us abundantly - he has not forgottten us. Psalm 67 May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us. Amen.

Happy Mother's Day! What a great day to acknowledge all loving and caring mothers. I know I have one of the best ones! I don't know what I would do with out her.. although, she says I'd be just fine! :) I pray that God blesses her with many more healthy years! I love you.

Angela Marie

New Norm -
Reegan, it's almost been 2 months - although, it's felt like 2 years. I can't help but think that your life was already 1/2 over, since the time of your funeral. Your dad and I miss you terribly. Are hearts hurt some days more than others, and especially on Sundays. We never did anything but go to church twice on Sundays, play, take a nap, and play some more. We miss seeing your big smile during church. You thoroughly enjoyed watching the other little kids during the service, and we especially got a kick out of you a time or too when you were singing right along with the congregation. You could carry a pretty good tune for being such a little guy. Many people would comment how alert you were for your age. I'm so thankful that God fast forward you so that we could enjoy your giggles, and smiles much sooner than most babies your age. From time to time your father and myself ask God, why..why Reegan? Unfortunately, we haven't and won't receive any answers, so we are just trying our best to accept this new reality. It's hard though, everywhere we go, people seem to be enjoying life with their precious families, new babies being born, families announcing their pregnancies, and so forth. We are trying our best  to keep our eyes looking forward, praying that God does reveal his plan for us. We truly miss having a sweet baby to love on, knowing that we will never have you again - is a very hard reality to accept. I'm just thankful that we showed as much love as we could to you.. we told you daily, several times a day, how much we loved you - your dad would repeatedly say, "Reegan, mommy and daddy love you." It was the sweetest things to be ears.. as I would hear you giggle back as your dad would say this over and over and over. I told you I loved you often, but I know that I kissed that sweet bald head of yours more! Probably more than you cared or more than I can count. But that's just okay. We have no regrets with you! We spent as much time as we possibly could giving you the attention you deserved!

I never really enjoyed dropping you off at daycare - it was just something that I had to do. I would count the hours and minutes before I got to see you again! I knew you were in good hands and that you loved those "big kids" at Gretchen's! It wasn't until you were gone, that I fully understood your love for daycare! One of the little boys at daycare told his mother, just a few weeks after you passed that he really missed you at daycare. His mother proceeded to tell him that all the kids missed you. The little boy proceeded to say, "Mom, but I tickled his feet everyday at lunch, and he loved it!" Oh I know that you did - every little attention you got from children just seemed to put the biggest smile on your face. Another daycare story that Gretchen told me was, she was just starting to put you in the saucer, and you would play and play. However, you did not like it when you would get yourself turned around and would be facing the opposite direction of all the kids. You would squawk enough to let Gretchen know that you needed to be turned around. Then a big smile would  come over your face yet again. You also had a "big brother" at daycare that was always watching out for you! Yep, you knew it, Brendan. He is such a special little boy to us. I recently too found out that he would beg his mom to take a toy to what she thought was preschool. When in reality, he was trying to take toys to Gretchen's house to show you during the time you spent in the boppy during his lunch time before preschool. Every day, you and Brendan had lunch together, I believe the last toy he brought was a stuffed lion that it's eyes lit up and he would roar! Brendan says you loved it! I can only imagine.. how much the two of you enjoyed each other's company. I know that you left an everlasting memory for Brendan too, as he continues to pray for you daily. I've heard Brendan pray before meal times, thanking God for his food, family, etc.. but he has also added to his prayer - It's too bad that Reegan had to die, but we will see him again some day! What faith that little Brendan has at the age of 5.

 I am 100% confident that you enjoyed your time at Gretchen's. I would ask you every morning if you were ready to go to Gretchen's and play with the big kids? You would always giggle and smile when asked this question - I'm pretty sure you knew what I was saying! You LOVED the kids there and Gretchen was like a 2nd grandma to you too! I know she loved you like her own and that she gave you the best care she could! My day care bill is a bill I wish I could have back in a heartbeat! The next time your writing out the daycare check - remind yourself what a blessing it truly is!
It's unreal how many lives you have touched in your short time - young and old. You have reminded us what is really important in this life, and what's not so much. The joy that you brought to so many is very evident. Your beautiful smile, and big blue eyes - you really were a heart breaker! Just like I would count the days and minutes that I could see you till the end of my work day - I am wondering how many more days, weeks, months, years before we will meet again? Either the Lord will return or call us home, then there will be no more counting cause we will be forever together

6 months -

I'm sitting inside on a cold, rainy, soon to be snow storm kind of day. While I'm sitting here, I'm thinking.. thinking.. what would Reegan be doing as he would be turning 6 months today?! As much as we miss loving on our handsome little man, I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since we held him last. Far to long.. but yet it feels like it's been forever, when will this fog lift?

The autopsy report has come back as of last week. It has been confirmed, SIDS. Reegan's body was perfectly healthy! As hard as it is to accept the reality of his death, we are thankful knowing that there wasn't something wrong, and that he didn't suffer. We are thankful knowing it wasn't something genetic that would cause us to consider our future family planning.  My initial concern was that he had choked, but that too has been ruled out. SIDS.. never in a million years, did I think that was going to happen to our child. Afterall, Reegan did not match any of the criteria that would have put him at risk.  Our initial reaction to the report was that we were upset. In our minds there had to be something or some reason why his tine on this earth had to be cut so short. After all, we were having so much FUN and what JOY Reegan brought to our lives. Andrew and myself truely did playfully fight who got to feed / play with him in the evenings. On a typical night you would have found Reegan and ourselves laying on our living room floor, singing songs, reading books, and playing. It feels so long ago that we had that kind of  "joy" in our home.

I'm thankful that God gave us a beautiful, healthy child that we could truely enjoy for 4.5 months! Reegan has taught me more that I could have ever imagined in such a short time. I have learned that in trials, you can still find Joy! It may not be the kind of baby loving / sweet smilies / giggles kind of joy that I feel I'm missing out on. But rather, Joy that is found in being in God's presence ( Romans 15:13- Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is loaded with Joy! Joy of Salvation, joy of knowing he's the one in control of ALL things, joy found in being thankful in all circumstances, joy of knowing God in tribulations. Yep, you got it, we have found the REAL Joy in life. We are clinging tighter to it than ever. The best part is, this Joy will never leave us! It may be difficult to find in times, but the joy of the Lord is my strength! Even as difficult as it may be some days to put a smile on our faces, and face the real world. We know that God is by our side, never will he leave us! We have to be ever seeking his presence, and he will fill us with a Joy that no worldy desire can fill. What an awesome promise this is! We cling knowing in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose! Neither life or death can seperate us from the eternal love of God that has saved us! This is what keeps us going in life, becuase the days are hard. When you step back and realise that God has everything in control, you will find much relief in this spinning out of control kind of world.

One thing that brings pure joy to us, is knowing that Reegan is experiencing Heaven and all it's glory! I've never been more fascinated in my life about Heaven than I have now. You and me both know we can't fathom what Heaven is really like. However, I have been reading a devotional, "We Shall See God," the devotion is answering some of the questions that I have had. Knowing that Reegan is experiencing far better than what we can even imagine is so comforting. One day, we too will get to experience that Joy - what a glorious day that will be!

Once again, we are reminded that each day is a beatiful gift from God. We never know when he will call us to his glorious home. We DO know that he is preparing a place for you and me there, this he promises. The Lord calls the young, the old, the sick, the healthy home. There is no guarantee that you will have another day on this earth. Spend each day praising the One that has blessed you abundantly!

Angela

5 weeks-

Tonight, I decided to take Andrew’s new bike out for a spin. I thought a perfect ride would be to go to the cemetery. I’m not sure what brought me more pain tonight – the sore bottom that I had before I made it half way there or just visiting the place where Reegan’s body lays at rest. I couldn’t help but notice again tonight that the flowers from the funeral are all dead and discolored, except the purple flowers which we originally placed in the sway to represent royalty. After all we thought it was only acceptable to place purple in the sway to represent his name meaning – born into royalty, little ruler. I still visit his grave, and I can’t help but still ask, “Why God?” My hurt continues to hurt, and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better. Although, I find that exercising and getting out of the house these days has helped boost my overall attitude in general. I will take delight in God for blessing me with new mercies every day. My prayer is that you will continue to uphold Andrew and myself but that you will also pray for our marriage. Grief in itself is UGLY. You never know what will set you off, or what little memory will bring us to our knees wailing. While all of this is taking place, we still have marriage to “maintain.” Marriage in itself requires an ideal amount of work with communication, respect, love to list a few. I pray that Andrew and myself will stay strong, knowing that over 50% of marriages that involve a child loss end in divorce is a scary statistic. Although we are well aware of this, we continue to covet prayers. The stress on a marriage of each other grieving at different times is very difficult some days. Why did we only have Reegan such a short time, but have such a long road ahead? I guess something we are just not meant to know on this earth. However, we continue to cling to God’s promises, and that is sufficient for today.

Angela