Remembering Reegan..

October 16 - has come and gone... for this I'm so thankful.  The week leading up to Wednesday (his birthday) was incredibly hard. It felt as if we were just days out since the funeral. It felt like I was living in a fog, and when people would talk to us about Reegan's upcoming birthday, I would try so hard to hold it together, and not let the tears fall. Although, I know it's okay to let the tears come, just having to emotionally pull myself together again was mentally draining..

Reegan's first birthday was definitely not how I ever envisioned it would be.. but then again, who thinks that a healthy child won't live to see their next birthday. However, we did celebrate with family and close friends, and made the very best of it. We started the evening by releasing balloons at the cemetery. We all wrote a special note on a balloon, and then released them. It was beautiful, peaceful, and perfect. I find writing very therapeutic for myself, so being able to write a little special note to Reegan on his birthday, brought much healing..

Afterwards we came back to our home and ate Pizza Ranch pizza, and had cake and ice cream.

However, we were not the only ones remembering Reegan on his first birthday, most of Sioux Center was too! The Sioux Center News asked Andrew and myself to do an interview on SIDS just a week before his birthday. October was infant loss / SIDS awareness month, and the local newspaper was wanting to do an article in honor of all those tiny lives lost. I remember Andrew telling me about this opportunity, and at first my reaction was to say, thanks, but no thanks! I have been dreading this day for so long, the last thing I wanted to do was speak about what should have been a first birthday. After sleeping on it a night, Andrew consulted the interviewer about what we could expect as far as questions to help ease some of the anxiety of what we both had been feeling. The interviewer informed us that she was hoping to interview soon, as she wanted the article to be placed in the October 16th (following week's) issue. Ahhh.. What? That was our sign, we knew immediately that we needed to do this! How awesome it was going to be that Reegan would get his own recognition in the local newspaper for this first birthday! Andrew and myself decided no better way to honor our little man, than to share with many others his beautiful life legacy!  We knew that if we were going to follow through with this, then we are going to be open and honest about everything, and so it goes...

(To read the article, you may need to adjust your zoom on your computer to be able to read this well!)

Happy Birthday Reegan!

Happy Birthday Buddy Bear!

A year, 365 days, an unimaginable year filled with emotions we never though possible. I never imagined the big anticipation for your birthday would be the placement of the headstone on your grave. Still God is good, and he blessed us with 4 1/2 months with you. He let us experience the joy of parenthood, and Lord willing will be blessing all of us with the gift of a little sister around Christmas.

Still the joys that God provides, doesn't mean we can't be sad. We miss you buddy, we miss your giggles, your smile, your voice. It sucks without you here. The adjustment going back to just your mother and I was hard, and occasionally I still find myself filling the evenings with chores or activities in order to keep busy. Still your absence is felt. We watch the children your age grow up, and wonder what might have been. Would you be walking by now? Would you be talking with us? What would you look like, how would have your personality grown? We still wouldn't trade another day on earth with you in exchange for eternity with you. We rest fully in God's promises and his providence that even though your time was short with us, God's will was fulfilled.

Wednesday will be hard for us. We'll be reminded of the days spent with you, the time we had, and how much we miss you. We'll have reminders with friends and family, and even an article in the local paper about SIDS, as much as I just want to be sad, and crawl under the covers all day, we will celebrate. We'll celebrate God's grace, His glory, and our salvation. We'll celebrate the time we had with you, the memories of you, and the great times spent together. We'll all lean on Christ's comfort and care to get us through the day.

Happy Birthday Reegan! I know you'll be celebrating!

Dad

Memories..

As much as my heart is aching.. I keep replaying this video over and over tonight! Reegan melts my heart! Hopefully this puts a smile on your face too! :)

If you didn't catch it, I'm asking if he had a good day at Gretchen's (the babysitter's home).. I will take that as a yes!

Andrew and myself are reflecting on our lives with Reegan. We are working togather on finishing his scrap book with the journal entries we wrote just days after his passing. I can not believe the amount of detail we both wrote down! I guess we didn't want to forget a single moment.. and listening to this sweet video tonight I can't help but smile to be this little boy's mama!
More to come later, as we celebrate Reegan's life on Weds the 16th!

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Awareness Month -

My heart beats rapid when I realize that it's finally October.. a month that we should be celebrating our son's birthday in just a few short weeks. We should be throwing a first birthday party, eating cake, and sharing lots of hugs and kisses.. but instead we will get to join in with many others in raising awareness for SIDS.

We are approaching that time of year, where I can feel my stomach in my throat. I can feel myself remembering what last year at this time we were doing. We were preparing to take home a sweet, baby boy, at anytime. I remember making final preparations to the nursery, making sure my hospital bag was ready to go at any given time, car seat installed, and the final to do lists completed before it was time. I sit here a year later, with many mixed emotions...

I am so thankful for what the last year has taught us. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us not once, but twice in a years time with two beautiful blessings. I would be lying to you, if I said I wasn't afraid that SIDS would happen again, or the thought of having to have my time cut short again with, Lord willing, a daughter at the end of this year, beginning of next. Then, I realize that I'm playing all the "What Ifs" in life.. and oh, does that ever put my mind in a whirlwind. I then have to  refocus my thoughts on how faithful and good God has been to us. The healing that He has provided, and the assurance of His providence is something that no words can explain. I have officially become more relaxed in this past year than I have ever been. I don't seem to fret about the little things anymore. I used to get so uptight in the uncertainty of the future. I played the "What If" game a lot with myself.. What if.. one of us lost our job, we couldn't get pregnant, one of us received a bad health report, lost a family member.. and the list goes on. Now, I see clearly and can say with conviction to EVERY single one of those.. God provides, cares, knows what your yesterday was, and what your tomorrow is. In reading, My Jesus Calling, I was recently reminded, again to not worry about tomorrow, because God is already there! Beautiful reminder.. and is something that I do remind myself of daily.

With October being SIDS awareness month, I am holding myself accountable to finishing Reegan's scrap book, follow through with an interview for the Sioux Center News, grave stone is placed, and celebrate October 16 with the most love in our hearts we could possibly have! We haven't exactly decided how we are going to celebrate yet, but regardless, I will remain thankful for the blessing Reegan was to us and so many others. I will remember his sweet smile, beautiful eyes, heartwarming coos, and loving personality until we are reunited again! This month is also a great reminder for me to pray for all other hurting families that have lost infant children. I'm convinced this ache will never go away.. but so thankful that God loves us and our children more than we can ever imagine!


This picture always puts a smile on my face,  I can just hear him cooing right now.. or singing beautifully in Heaven!

6 Months -
I can't believe we are approaching the 6 month milestone already.. it's hard to believe that Reegan would have been 10 months. I sit here and I just try to imagine what would life be like if Reegan was still here. Would he have been walking? What would have been his favorite foods? Would he have grown some hair on that little bald head of his?

However, I can say the peace that surpasses all understanding, and with time and many prayers Andrew and myself are doing considerable well. We have our moments, we have our days, that are still very hard. I think the hardest thing that we are anticipating right now, is that in 2 months it would have been his birthday.. October 16. What is this day going to bring? I will be honest, I'm afraid to face that day, and it's not that far away now. I'm afraid to face the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know this is only normal, and yet it doesn't make it any easier. I know that when those days approach that God will give us the extra strength we need to get through it.

Our lives have been as back to normal, as normal can be. We have been keeping ourselves incredibly busy this summer, it's helped with passing time. We have spent most weekends at the lakes, camping with family and friends. Spending time in God's creation, and enjoying each others fellowship has definitely brought good healing. Maybe our not so recent news anymore, has helped with that too! Lord willing we will be bringing home another baby at the end of this year, or beginning of next! We are so truly grateful that God has blessed us this soon again. Reegan left us with a burning desire to have more children. Our hearts break when we think he won't be here to be apart of his earthly family, or to be the big brother that I know he would have loved. I know that one day, God will reunite us all again, and my continual and constant prayer is that God's will on this earth will be completed soon!

We are beyond excited to become earthly parents again! It's hard to fathom that I'm half way there already... when I think of that, I realize that I need to kick it into gear. I have a LOT of things that I need to get done before then. Finish Reegan's scrapbook, clean and reorganize the nursery, repaint the nursery, you get the hint. Speaking of the nursery, I have had so many ask me what I'm going to do with Reegan's room. Good question, I'm hoping the ultrasound this Friday will give me an answer as to what needs to be done. I have not touched his room, other than it being complete dumping grounds for you name it at this point. The dresser, and closet look just the way they did 6 months ago. I have a bit of anxiety about having to pick up the pieces and move on. I know I could leave it, and use the other spare bedroom in our home, but I don't think that will solve anything either. I am hoping that a fresh coat of paint, some new artwork, and DIY projects that I have in mind, will give us a fresh start. If it's a boy, I'll have it made pretty easy with just having to swap clothes out from a tub that's in the bottom of the closet. However, if it's a girl, I've already been warned that grandma Roelfs is ready to buy pink, and lots of it, if she's given the chance!

The other common asked question? What would you like.. a boy or girl? Obviously, like any parent, our prayer is that this child is healthy, whether that be a boy or girl. A boy would be so fun again, I feel like we would be able to pick up where we left off.. not that this child would EVER replace Reegan. If it's a girl.. then that's a whole new ball game, and it's Andrew's turn to be out numbered! ;) Hopefully sometime over the weekend we will be able to reveal the sex of this child.. so you better stay tuned! I'm 98% confident we are having another boy... why? I feel exactly how I did last summer at this time, it's an identical pregnancy all over again. I guess time will only tell. Andrew on the other hand, he's rather hopeful for another boy.. go figure! :)

I pray that you are continually uplifting us in prayer, as we have many exciting things to look forward too, and yet our hearts are far from healed. Please pray for a continued and healthy pregnancy. Also, remember those who have lost children whether recent or in the past. This is definitely a hard road to walk, but with God's grace and mercy, and a supportive community of prayer warriors, it is possible to find the joy in everyday life even when some days that seems like the impossible.

I will try and not let another 3 months go by before I post again! Until then, thank you for your continued support.
Angela

 Happy Mother's Day! I've been anxious about this day all week. How do I help celebrate how great a mother Angela was, and help her find joy and confidence in her abilities, while still giving her room to be sad? It's funny how someone can be joyful and sad at the same time. Some days those are the emotions we live in.  Today will be hard for us, it will be hard for Angela. She doesn't have to be strong today, God will be strong for her, and I'll continue to offer many reminders of all the things she did well, and will continue to do well that day God blesses us again.

I also feel a little guilty, I've put so much time and thought into Angela's current state, I've barely even mentioned my own mother. Happy Mother's Day mom! Thanks for being there while we were growing up, carting us from one activity to the next, and raising us in a good Christian home.  Also, almost 12 years ago I was introduced to a mom that would later become my mother-in-law. Happy Mother's Day Brenda!

Happy Mother's Day..

I remember all to clearly being pregnant last year for Mother's Day. I was literally smiling from ear to ear.. because I was thinking all day.. how next year for Mother's Day I will have a baby of my own to cuddle and love on. Yeah... that's how I would have liked it.. but God had bigger and different plans than ours. Just maybe, God will fill our hurting arms and bless us with a baby kind of joy sooner than later. That is our prayer..

Although, today could be very depressing in itself. I'm going to try and keep my chin up today. I'm going to remember the time that I got to be a mom, to the most beautiful boy that I have ever known. I'm remembering how blessed I felt tucking that little man in every night. Rocking him to sleep was one of my favorite things to do as a mom. I enjoyed singing "Jesus Loves Me," as he would watch the fish go up and down in his lava lamp nightlight. It was perfect. Sometimes, I would just hold him and pray thanking God for Reegan. Afterall, being a mom is the best thing in the world, and by far the best thing I have experienced in this life! Having Reegan was the best 4.5 months of my life... why did this have to end so soon? I have asked myself that question unfortunatly too much in the last few days in anticipation for this coming weekend. I have spent much time looking back at many pictures, all that have been taken in the last 6 months. It's almost like I can't remember what it's like to have a sweet baby in my arms, so I have to look at pictures to remind myself of the pure joy that we once had. Oh, how my heart breaks when I see those dark blue eyes looking back at me. I can just hear him cooing. Oh Buddy Bear.. we miss you.

So I say I'm going to keep my chin up - I think this might be harder than I thought it would be. However, in the last few months I have made some new frienships with other moms who have and continue to walk the same shoes we have. I'm going to pray for extra grace today not only for myself but for them too. This will be the first Mother's Day, for many of those moms, without their children too. It's an ugly and too familiar road at this point, but we all know that it is God's plan and that our children are forever safe with him.

One of my favorite verses is: Jeremiah 29:11 -For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. This is such a beautiful reminder, again and again. I will not be stuck in these days of grief, but I will look ahead and keep my mind focused on what is yet to come. Whether this be a future family, a family vacation, or just getting through another day. I am forever hopeful. Hopeful for a brighter future, a brighter tomorrow. The words in Hebrew 11:1 are exactly how you live out Jeremiah 29:11. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. When the days are hard and with Mother's Day soon approaching I am continually reminding myself that Reegan is in the greatest place he could be. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and pick up my feet and look forward. God has great things in store for us. Romans 8:28 -  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Although, the last year is definetly not a road that I would have chosen for myself, I will be forever grateful for the time that God blessed me to be Reegan's mother for a short time here on this earth. I would not trade those days for the world. The Lord is GOOD he continues to bless us abundantly - he has not forgottten us. Psalm 67 May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us. Amen.

Happy Mother's Day! What a great day to acknowledge all loving and caring mothers. I know I have one of the best ones! I don't know what I would do with out her.. although, she says I'd be just fine! :) I pray that God blesses her with many more healthy years! I love you.

Angela Marie