Celebrating 1 Year Anniversary in Heaven..

1 year ago..

My heart is heavy again today.. the tears are coming and I can't stop them. I look at our beautiful daughter, Arabelle, "Our Answered Prayer" and I have tears of thanksgiving flowing freely and I can't stop praising God for everything he has done for us in this past year. Would I have chosen a different road to walk? Most certainly.. but then I realize that we probably wouldn't have our latest biggest blessing either, Arabelle. God continues to meet our needs anywhere from emotional to financial. He is in EVERY detail and for that I thank him. Just when it feels like I won't be able to make it through, he speaks VERY clearly to me.. and today was just a prime example, let me share.. 

 And we know that all things work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Every morning I receive a daily devotional email from Dr. David Jeremiah and today, I opened up my email and this is what it read.

Precious in His Sight

But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
2 Samuel 12:23

Recommended Reading Luke 8:49-56

The death of children is one of earth's greatest sorrows. Throughout much of history and in much of the world today, childhood mortality figures are astoundingly high. Some reading these words have lost a child or a grandchild, either through illness or accident. Some have lost preborn children through miscarriage or abortion. 

God loves children. He loves the preborn and He loves the newborn. He loves the infant and He loves the toddler. "Jesus loves the little children of the world -- red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight." He is not willing for children to be lost. David said about his child who died: "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." Our few moments on earth are like the pop of a flashbulb compared to eternity. Be comforted: Our separation is short; our reunion is eternal.  -- AMEN!!

Those little children have not yet any understanding to desire His blessing; but when they are presented to Him, He gently and kindly receives them, and dedicates them to the Father by a solemn act of blessing. 
John Calvin

WOW! God is yet still speaking to us, I'm very humbled and thankful that we serve such a loving and caring Father! He knows our needs and he meets every single one of them. It may not be in our timing, but I just love how he keeps revealing himself to us! We are 1 year down the road from holding our sweet baby Reegan, and yet God is reminding me of how he has Reegan in his safe keeping until we are reunited. 

Thank you for all love, prayers, and support you have shown us in this past year, I'm thankful for such a loving, caring Christian community of believers! I will try and do a better job of blogging.. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting, and loving on our sweet Arabelle! 

PS..When I mentioned before that God meets all our needs even financial. God opened another door for our family! I have accepted a different job at American State Bank, working 2 days a week doing new accounts! It was a prayer, and worry of mine from the time I knew that I was pregnant, I didn't want to go back to work full time, but knew that I needed to do something. I prayed, and prayed.. that God would calm my fears and anxiety that if I ended up going back to work full time, and not finding something different that He would give me the extra grace that I needed to emotionally make it work. Arabelle, was about 2 weeks old, when the bank had contacted me offering this part time job. Honestly, I wasn't even thinking about getting a different job at this point, with a 2 week old baby! But what a blessing that this job opportunity has found me - I KNOW that God hears our prayers and takes care of us continually!

Reegan, you are often in my mind, and forever in my heart! We long for the day that we will meet again. Your sister is a beautiful reminder of you! I think she is going to have your eye color, but she definitely  shares your chubby checks! We can't wait until she is old enough that she will be able to understand what a beautiful, short life you had! She is already aware of your pictures on the wall, as she seems to be studying the black frames often! :) We LOVE and MISS you dearly!

5 WEEKS!

Yep! It's 5 weeks to our due date.. Dec 29! I can hardly believe it.. it feels like we have been "living" for December for so long, and it's FINALLY here! Oh, how we can't wait to meet little Ms. R! She is and already has been one of life's biggest blessings!

However, there's a part of me that aches, the part where there should be a big brother welcoming her into this world too..  I think for so long, I kept telling myself, once we have another baby in our arms, this ache will go away! Well.. with December approaching, I'm realizing that this is bringing more emotions than I've ever bargained for! I've heard other SIDS related parents talk about the guilt they have when getting excited for the following child they are expecting.. I can totally relate. Sometimes,  I feel guilty for moving all of Reegan's stuff aside, and redoing his room with all girlie things. Or, the guilt of getting excited for another new baby too love, hold, and to make, Lord willing, a lifetime of memories with. I'm told this is normal, but with that being said, I'm trying my hardest to be aware of it, but to not feel any guilt at all.. as I know Reegan would be sad if he knew how much we struggled with this! After all, Reegan LOVED children, I can only imagine how big his eyes would have been if he was able to welcome her home!

Reality is slowly starting to settle in. I thought I'd help it along as I packed her hospital bag today! The nursery is almost completed, just a few more small details to finish and it will be done! I'm seriously starting to wonder if reality won't kick in until I'm in labor - it may be a little late by then! :) The last 8 months have flown by, when I think back to how long 8 months took with Reegan. My pregnancy with Reegan felt as if it was never going to end, hurry up, I'm ready to be a mama kind of feeling. Andrew and myself both were very anxious as we anticipated how Reegan was about to change our lives.. and boy did he ever! I just mentioned to Andrew the other day, are you ready to do this all over again? He doesn't say too much, maybe he's doing the same, afraid to get too attached to the idea, just in case God's plans are different than ours.

I write this post tonight, and ask that you will pray for us specifically in the next month. Pray for our hearts as we enter this holiday season. Certain days we seem to remember what we had been doing a year ago with Reegan, just as I reminded Andrew this evening, Reegan was baptized a year ago tomorrow, November 25, 2012.  Dates like this always sting a bit. However, I remember our Thanksgiving celebrations that we had last year very well. I remember handing out our Christmas / Reegan's birth announcement at our Thanksgiving gatherings - with a very thankful heart! This year I will choose to be thankful for Reegan's life, and for every day of life that we are blessed with Ms. R! I have learned to never take a day for granted, and I'm truly trying to live this out as well!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Remembering Reegan..

October 16 - has come and gone... for this I'm so thankful.  The week leading up to Wednesday (his birthday) was incredibly hard. It felt as if we were just days out since the funeral. It felt like I was living in a fog, and when people would talk to us about Reegan's upcoming birthday, I would try so hard to hold it together, and not let the tears fall. Although, I know it's okay to let the tears come, just having to emotionally pull myself together again was mentally draining..

Reegan's first birthday was definitely not how I ever envisioned it would be.. but then again, who thinks that a healthy child won't live to see their next birthday. However, we did celebrate with family and close friends, and made the very best of it. We started the evening by releasing balloons at the cemetery. We all wrote a special note on a balloon, and then released them. It was beautiful, peaceful, and perfect. I find writing very therapeutic for myself, so being able to write a little special note to Reegan on his birthday, brought much healing..

Afterwards we came back to our home and ate Pizza Ranch pizza, and had cake and ice cream.

However, we were not the only ones remembering Reegan on his first birthday, most of Sioux Center was too! The Sioux Center News asked Andrew and myself to do an interview on SIDS just a week before his birthday. October was infant loss / SIDS awareness month, and the local newspaper was wanting to do an article in honor of all those tiny lives lost. I remember Andrew telling me about this opportunity, and at first my reaction was to say, thanks, but no thanks! I have been dreading this day for so long, the last thing I wanted to do was speak about what should have been a first birthday. After sleeping on it a night, Andrew consulted the interviewer about what we could expect as far as questions to help ease some of the anxiety of what we both had been feeling. The interviewer informed us that she was hoping to interview soon, as she wanted the article to be placed in the October 16th (following week's) issue. Ahhh.. What? That was our sign, we knew immediately that we needed to do this! How awesome it was going to be that Reegan would get his own recognition in the local newspaper for this first birthday! Andrew and myself decided no better way to honor our little man, than to share with many others his beautiful life legacy!  We knew that if we were going to follow through with this, then we are going to be open and honest about everything, and so it goes...

(To read the article, you may need to adjust your zoom on your computer to be able to read this well!)

Happy Birthday Reegan!

Happy Birthday Buddy Bear!

A year, 365 days, an unimaginable year filled with emotions we never though possible. I never imagined the big anticipation for your birthday would be the placement of the headstone on your grave. Still God is good, and he blessed us with 4 1/2 months with you. He let us experience the joy of parenthood, and Lord willing will be blessing all of us with the gift of a little sister around Christmas.

Still the joys that God provides, doesn't mean we can't be sad. We miss you buddy, we miss your giggles, your smile, your voice. It sucks without you here. The adjustment going back to just your mother and I was hard, and occasionally I still find myself filling the evenings with chores or activities in order to keep busy. Still your absence is felt. We watch the children your age grow up, and wonder what might have been. Would you be walking by now? Would you be talking with us? What would you look like, how would have your personality grown? We still wouldn't trade another day on earth with you in exchange for eternity with you. We rest fully in God's promises and his providence that even though your time was short with us, God's will was fulfilled.

Wednesday will be hard for us. We'll be reminded of the days spent with you, the time we had, and how much we miss you. We'll have reminders with friends and family, and even an article in the local paper about SIDS, as much as I just want to be sad, and crawl under the covers all day, we will celebrate. We'll celebrate God's grace, His glory, and our salvation. We'll celebrate the time we had with you, the memories of you, and the great times spent together. We'll all lean on Christ's comfort and care to get us through the day.

Happy Birthday Reegan! I know you'll be celebrating!

Dad

Memories..

As much as my heart is aching.. I keep replaying this video over and over tonight! Reegan melts my heart! Hopefully this puts a smile on your face too! :)

If you didn't catch it, I'm asking if he had a good day at Gretchen's (the babysitter's home).. I will take that as a yes!

Andrew and myself are reflecting on our lives with Reegan. We are working togather on finishing his scrap book with the journal entries we wrote just days after his passing. I can not believe the amount of detail we both wrote down! I guess we didn't want to forget a single moment.. and listening to this sweet video tonight I can't help but smile to be this little boy's mama!
More to come later, as we celebrate Reegan's life on Weds the 16th!

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Awareness Month -

My heart beats rapid when I realize that it's finally October.. a month that we should be celebrating our son's birthday in just a few short weeks. We should be throwing a first birthday party, eating cake, and sharing lots of hugs and kisses.. but instead we will get to join in with many others in raising awareness for SIDS.

We are approaching that time of year, where I can feel my stomach in my throat. I can feel myself remembering what last year at this time we were doing. We were preparing to take home a sweet, baby boy, at anytime. I remember making final preparations to the nursery, making sure my hospital bag was ready to go at any given time, car seat installed, and the final to do lists completed before it was time. I sit here a year later, with many mixed emotions...

I am so thankful for what the last year has taught us. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us not once, but twice in a years time with two beautiful blessings. I would be lying to you, if I said I wasn't afraid that SIDS would happen again, or the thought of having to have my time cut short again with, Lord willing, a daughter at the end of this year, beginning of next. Then, I realize that I'm playing all the "What Ifs" in life.. and oh, does that ever put my mind in a whirlwind. I then have to  refocus my thoughts on how faithful and good God has been to us. The healing that He has provided, and the assurance of His providence is something that no words can explain. I have officially become more relaxed in this past year than I have ever been. I don't seem to fret about the little things anymore. I used to get so uptight in the uncertainty of the future. I played the "What If" game a lot with myself.. What if.. one of us lost our job, we couldn't get pregnant, one of us received a bad health report, lost a family member.. and the list goes on. Now, I see clearly and can say with conviction to EVERY single one of those.. God provides, cares, knows what your yesterday was, and what your tomorrow is. In reading, My Jesus Calling, I was recently reminded, again to not worry about tomorrow, because God is already there! Beautiful reminder.. and is something that I do remind myself of daily.

With October being SIDS awareness month, I am holding myself accountable to finishing Reegan's scrap book, follow through with an interview for the Sioux Center News, grave stone is placed, and celebrate October 16 with the most love in our hearts we could possibly have! We haven't exactly decided how we are going to celebrate yet, but regardless, I will remain thankful for the blessing Reegan was to us and so many others. I will remember his sweet smile, beautiful eyes, heartwarming coos, and loving personality until we are reunited again! This month is also a great reminder for me to pray for all other hurting families that have lost infant children. I'm convinced this ache will never go away.. but so thankful that God loves us and our children more than we can ever imagine!


This picture always puts a smile on my face,  I can just hear him cooing right now.. or singing beautifully in Heaven!

6 Months -
I can't believe we are approaching the 6 month milestone already.. it's hard to believe that Reegan would have been 10 months. I sit here and I just try to imagine what would life be like if Reegan was still here. Would he have been walking? What would have been his favorite foods? Would he have grown some hair on that little bald head of his?

However, I can say the peace that surpasses all understanding, and with time and many prayers Andrew and myself are doing considerable well. We have our moments, we have our days, that are still very hard. I think the hardest thing that we are anticipating right now, is that in 2 months it would have been his birthday.. October 16. What is this day going to bring? I will be honest, I'm afraid to face that day, and it's not that far away now. I'm afraid to face the first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know this is only normal, and yet it doesn't make it any easier. I know that when those days approach that God will give us the extra strength we need to get through it.

Our lives have been as back to normal, as normal can be. We have been keeping ourselves incredibly busy this summer, it's helped with passing time. We have spent most weekends at the lakes, camping with family and friends. Spending time in God's creation, and enjoying each others fellowship has definitely brought good healing. Maybe our not so recent news anymore, has helped with that too! Lord willing we will be bringing home another baby at the end of this year, or beginning of next! We are so truly grateful that God has blessed us this soon again. Reegan left us with a burning desire to have more children. Our hearts break when we think he won't be here to be apart of his earthly family, or to be the big brother that I know he would have loved. I know that one day, God will reunite us all again, and my continual and constant prayer is that God's will on this earth will be completed soon!

We are beyond excited to become earthly parents again! It's hard to fathom that I'm half way there already... when I think of that, I realize that I need to kick it into gear. I have a LOT of things that I need to get done before then. Finish Reegan's scrapbook, clean and reorganize the nursery, repaint the nursery, you get the hint. Speaking of the nursery, I have had so many ask me what I'm going to do with Reegan's room. Good question, I'm hoping the ultrasound this Friday will give me an answer as to what needs to be done. I have not touched his room, other than it being complete dumping grounds for you name it at this point. The dresser, and closet look just the way they did 6 months ago. I have a bit of anxiety about having to pick up the pieces and move on. I know I could leave it, and use the other spare bedroom in our home, but I don't think that will solve anything either. I am hoping that a fresh coat of paint, some new artwork, and DIY projects that I have in mind, will give us a fresh start. If it's a boy, I'll have it made pretty easy with just having to swap clothes out from a tub that's in the bottom of the closet. However, if it's a girl, I've already been warned that grandma Roelfs is ready to buy pink, and lots of it, if she's given the chance!

The other common asked question? What would you like.. a boy or girl? Obviously, like any parent, our prayer is that this child is healthy, whether that be a boy or girl. A boy would be so fun again, I feel like we would be able to pick up where we left off.. not that this child would EVER replace Reegan. If it's a girl.. then that's a whole new ball game, and it's Andrew's turn to be out numbered! ;) Hopefully sometime over the weekend we will be able to reveal the sex of this child.. so you better stay tuned! I'm 98% confident we are having another boy... why? I feel exactly how I did last summer at this time, it's an identical pregnancy all over again. I guess time will only tell. Andrew on the other hand, he's rather hopeful for another boy.. go figure! :)

I pray that you are continually uplifting us in prayer, as we have many exciting things to look forward too, and yet our hearts are far from healed. Please pray for a continued and healthy pregnancy. Also, remember those who have lost children whether recent or in the past. This is definitely a hard road to walk, but with God's grace and mercy, and a supportive community of prayer warriors, it is possible to find the joy in everyday life even when some days that seems like the impossible.

I will try and not let another 3 months go by before I post again! Until then, thank you for your continued support.
Angela