My heart beats rapid when I realize that it's finally October.. a month that we should be celebrating our son's birthday in just a few short weeks. We should be throwing a first birthday party, eating cake, and sharing lots of hugs and kisses.. but instead we will get to join in with many others in raising awareness for SIDS.
We are approaching that time of year, where I can feel my stomach in my throat. I can feel myself remembering what last year at this time we were doing. We were preparing to take home a sweet, baby boy, at anytime. I remember making final preparations to the nursery, making sure my hospital bag was ready to go at any given time, car seat installed, and the final to do lists completed before it was time. I sit here a year later, with many mixed emotions...
I am so thankful for what the last year has taught us. I'm so grateful that God has chosen to bless us not once, but twice in a years time with two beautiful blessings. I would be lying to you, if I said I wasn't afraid that SIDS would happen again, or the thought of having to have my time cut short again with, Lord willing, a daughter at the end of this year, beginning of next. Then, I realize that I'm playing all the "What Ifs" in life.. and oh, does that ever put my mind in a whirlwind. I then have to refocus my thoughts on how faithful and good God has been to us. The healing that He has provided, and the assurance of His providence is something that no words can explain. I have officially become more relaxed in this past year than I have ever been. I don't seem to fret about the little things anymore. I used to get so uptight in the uncertainty of the future. I played the "What If" game a lot with myself.. What if.. one of us lost our job, we couldn't get pregnant, one of us received a bad health report, lost a family member.. and the list goes on. Now, I see clearly and can say with conviction to EVERY single one of those.. God provides, cares, knows what your yesterday was, and what your tomorrow is. In reading, My Jesus Calling, I was recently reminded, again to not worry about tomorrow, because God is already there! Beautiful reminder.. and is something that I do remind myself of daily.
With October being SIDS awareness month, I am holding myself accountable to finishing Reegan's scrap book, follow through with an interview for the Sioux Center News, grave stone is placed, and celebrate October 16 with the most love in our hearts we could possibly have! We haven't exactly decided how we are going to celebrate yet, but regardless, I will remain thankful for the blessing Reegan was to us and so many others. I will remember his sweet smile, beautiful eyes, heartwarming coos, and loving personality until we are reunited again! This month is also a great reminder for me to pray for all other hurting families that have lost infant children. I'm convinced this ache will never go away.. but so thankful that God loves us and our children more than we can ever imagine!
This picture always puts a smile on my face, I can just hear him cooing right now.. or singing beautifully in Heaven!
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