New Norm -
Reegan, it's almost been 2 months - although, it's felt like 2 years. I can't help but think that your life was already 1/2 over, since the time of your funeral. Your dad and I miss you terribly. Are hearts hurt some days more than others, and especially on Sundays. We never did anything but go to church twice on Sundays, play, take a nap, and play some more. We miss seeing your big smile during church. You thoroughly enjoyed watching the other little kids during the service, and we especially got a kick out of you a time or too when you were singing right along with the congregation. You could carry a pretty good tune for being such a little guy. Many people would comment how alert you were for your age. I'm so thankful that God fast forward you so that we could enjoy your giggles, and smiles much sooner than most babies your age. From time to time your father and myself ask God, why..why Reegan? Unfortunately, we haven't and won't receive any answers, so we are just trying our best to accept this new reality. It's hard though, everywhere we go, people seem to be enjoying life with their precious families, new babies being born, families announcing their pregnancies, and so forth. We are trying our best  to keep our eyes looking forward, praying that God does reveal his plan for us. We truly miss having a sweet baby to love on, knowing that we will never have you again - is a very hard reality to accept. I'm just thankful that we showed as much love as we could to you.. we told you daily, several times a day, how much we loved you - your dad would repeatedly say, "Reegan, mommy and daddy love you." It was the sweetest things to be ears.. as I would hear you giggle back as your dad would say this over and over and over. I told you I loved you often, but I know that I kissed that sweet bald head of yours more! Probably more than you cared or more than I can count. But that's just okay. We have no regrets with you! We spent as much time as we possibly could giving you the attention you deserved!

I never really enjoyed dropping you off at daycare - it was just something that I had to do. I would count the hours and minutes before I got to see you again! I knew you were in good hands and that you loved those "big kids" at Gretchen's! It wasn't until you were gone, that I fully understood your love for daycare! One of the little boys at daycare told his mother, just a few weeks after you passed that he really missed you at daycare. His mother proceeded to tell him that all the kids missed you. The little boy proceeded to say, "Mom, but I tickled his feet everyday at lunch, and he loved it!" Oh I know that you did - every little attention you got from children just seemed to put the biggest smile on your face. Another daycare story that Gretchen told me was, she was just starting to put you in the saucer, and you would play and play. However, you did not like it when you would get yourself turned around and would be facing the opposite direction of all the kids. You would squawk enough to let Gretchen know that you needed to be turned around. Then a big smile would  come over your face yet again. You also had a "big brother" at daycare that was always watching out for you! Yep, you knew it, Brendan. He is such a special little boy to us. I recently too found out that he would beg his mom to take a toy to what she thought was preschool. When in reality, he was trying to take toys to Gretchen's house to show you during the time you spent in the boppy during his lunch time before preschool. Every day, you and Brendan had lunch together, I believe the last toy he brought was a stuffed lion that it's eyes lit up and he would roar! Brendan says you loved it! I can only imagine.. how much the two of you enjoyed each other's company. I know that you left an everlasting memory for Brendan too, as he continues to pray for you daily. I've heard Brendan pray before meal times, thanking God for his food, family, etc.. but he has also added to his prayer - It's too bad that Reegan had to die, but we will see him again some day! What faith that little Brendan has at the age of 5.

 I am 100% confident that you enjoyed your time at Gretchen's. I would ask you every morning if you were ready to go to Gretchen's and play with the big kids? You would always giggle and smile when asked this question - I'm pretty sure you knew what I was saying! You LOVED the kids there and Gretchen was like a 2nd grandma to you too! I know she loved you like her own and that she gave you the best care she could! My day care bill is a bill I wish I could have back in a heartbeat! The next time your writing out the daycare check - remind yourself what a blessing it truly is!
It's unreal how many lives you have touched in your short time - young and old. You have reminded us what is really important in this life, and what's not so much. The joy that you brought to so many is very evident. Your beautiful smile, and big blue eyes - you really were a heart breaker! Just like I would count the days and minutes that I could see you till the end of my work day - I am wondering how many more days, weeks, months, years before we will meet again? Either the Lord will return or call us home, then there will be no more counting cause we will be forever together

6 months -

I'm sitting inside on a cold, rainy, soon to be snow storm kind of day. While I'm sitting here, I'm thinking.. thinking.. what would Reegan be doing as he would be turning 6 months today?! As much as we miss loving on our handsome little man, I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since we held him last. Far to long.. but yet it feels like it's been forever, when will this fog lift?

The autopsy report has come back as of last week. It has been confirmed, SIDS. Reegan's body was perfectly healthy! As hard as it is to accept the reality of his death, we are thankful knowing that there wasn't something wrong, and that he didn't suffer. We are thankful knowing it wasn't something genetic that would cause us to consider our future family planning.  My initial concern was that he had choked, but that too has been ruled out. SIDS.. never in a million years, did I think that was going to happen to our child. Afterall, Reegan did not match any of the criteria that would have put him at risk.  Our initial reaction to the report was that we were upset. In our minds there had to be something or some reason why his tine on this earth had to be cut so short. After all, we were having so much FUN and what JOY Reegan brought to our lives. Andrew and myself truely did playfully fight who got to feed / play with him in the evenings. On a typical night you would have found Reegan and ourselves laying on our living room floor, singing songs, reading books, and playing. It feels so long ago that we had that kind of  "joy" in our home.

I'm thankful that God gave us a beautiful, healthy child that we could truely enjoy for 4.5 months! Reegan has taught me more that I could have ever imagined in such a short time. I have learned that in trials, you can still find Joy! It may not be the kind of baby loving / sweet smilies / giggles kind of joy that I feel I'm missing out on. But rather, Joy that is found in being in God's presence ( Romans 15:13- Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is loaded with Joy! Joy of Salvation, joy of knowing he's the one in control of ALL things, joy found in being thankful in all circumstances, joy of knowing God in tribulations. Yep, you got it, we have found the REAL Joy in life. We are clinging tighter to it than ever. The best part is, this Joy will never leave us! It may be difficult to find in times, but the joy of the Lord is my strength! Even as difficult as it may be some days to put a smile on our faces, and face the real world. We know that God is by our side, never will he leave us! We have to be ever seeking his presence, and he will fill us with a Joy that no worldy desire can fill. What an awesome promise this is! We cling knowing in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose! Neither life or death can seperate us from the eternal love of God that has saved us! This is what keeps us going in life, becuase the days are hard. When you step back and realise that God has everything in control, you will find much relief in this spinning out of control kind of world.

One thing that brings pure joy to us, is knowing that Reegan is experiencing Heaven and all it's glory! I've never been more fascinated in my life about Heaven than I have now. You and me both know we can't fathom what Heaven is really like. However, I have been reading a devotional, "We Shall See God," the devotion is answering some of the questions that I have had. Knowing that Reegan is experiencing far better than what we can even imagine is so comforting. One day, we too will get to experience that Joy - what a glorious day that will be!

Once again, we are reminded that each day is a beatiful gift from God. We never know when he will call us to his glorious home. We DO know that he is preparing a place for you and me there, this he promises. The Lord calls the young, the old, the sick, the healthy home. There is no guarantee that you will have another day on this earth. Spend each day praising the One that has blessed you abundantly!

Angela

5 weeks-

Tonight, I decided to take Andrew’s new bike out for a spin. I thought a perfect ride would be to go to the cemetery. I’m not sure what brought me more pain tonight – the sore bottom that I had before I made it half way there or just visiting the place where Reegan’s body lays at rest. I couldn’t help but notice again tonight that the flowers from the funeral are all dead and discolored, except the purple flowers which we originally placed in the sway to represent royalty. After all we thought it was only acceptable to place purple in the sway to represent his name meaning – born into royalty, little ruler. I still visit his grave, and I can’t help but still ask, “Why God?” My hurt continues to hurt, and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better. Although, I find that exercising and getting out of the house these days has helped boost my overall attitude in general. I will take delight in God for blessing me with new mercies every day. My prayer is that you will continue to uphold Andrew and myself but that you will also pray for our marriage. Grief in itself is UGLY. You never know what will set you off, or what little memory will bring us to our knees wailing. While all of this is taking place, we still have marriage to “maintain.” Marriage in itself requires an ideal amount of work with communication, respect, love to list a few. I pray that Andrew and myself will stay strong, knowing that over 50% of marriages that involve a child loss end in divorce is a scary statistic. Although we are well aware of this, we continue to covet prayers. The stress on a marriage of each other grieving at different times is very difficult some days. Why did we only have Reegan such a short time, but have such a long road ahead? I guess something we are just not meant to know on this earth. However, we continue to cling to God’s promises, and that is sufficient for today.

Angela