Easter Painting

I have to admit this Holy Week, I've been a little half-hearted and selfish.  It seems that Jesus so clearly had a reason to die, but did Reegan? Jesus saved all of his elect, was Reegan's life worth those who will be touched by his story?  I couldn't shake the bitterness and chip on my shoulder until tonight.

It hit me like a freight train, like a ton of bricks, it took my breath away.  I was in our basement refinishing an old cabinet, painting over all the chipped, marked wood, making it acceptable to hang in our house again.  My white paintbrush was turning what would have been trash into something beautiful....

By now you've guessed where I'm going with this. Yep, that chip on my shoulder fell quickly, and I got to see clearly what I've been hearing this week, but not listening to. HE IS RISEN, the tomb is empty!  Jesus has prepared a place for Reegan, and is preparing a place for me.  He has taken my sinful, stained, dirty, marked up, chipped life and made my soul as white as snow. Whiter than that cabinet that will be hanging on the wall, without blemish.  The best part, it isn't just for me, it's for you as well. Let's spend this day reflecting on His love, and His gift to us.

Andrew and myself have been blessed to have so many people uplifting us in prayers, sending gifts, thoughtful cards, memorials, etc. However, this past week I rec'd this beautiful poem in the mail by a mother that lost their baby boy last summer. I found it very touching and the words so true and I thought I'd share with you! Please continue to remember us in daily prayers.

We pray that you will have a blessed Easter praising the One that lives!

A Baby’s Love

I’m just a little feller
Who didn’t stay very longI
Went to be with Jesus,
But I’m waiting for you here.

Don’t you fret about me mommy,
I’m, of all God’s lambs, most blest.
I’d have loved to stay there with you,
But the Shepherd knows what’s best.

Many dwelling here where I live,

Waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
And their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet mommy, don’t you sorrow,

Wipe those tears and close the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus bosom,
Because of the empty tomb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
It was brief but don’t complain.
I have all of heaven’s glory,
Suffered non of earthling’s pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,

I’d have loved to brought it fame.
But, if I lingered in earth’s shadow,
I might instead brought it shame.

 So, I’ll be waiting for you mommy,

You, and daddy, and the rest.
I’ll be with you then, forever,
Praising.. Singing.. In heaven’s bliss.

**Little Feet Leave Big Imprints On Our Heart**

A month, a whole month, a month seems like an eternity ago. A month since I heard your giggle, saw your face, kissed your sweet baby cheeks.  I never could imagine the hurt and pain possible within a month.  I’ve never shed so many tears in a month, never felt so much pain, never been forced to be this strong in a month.

I’ve also never been closer to God. I know without a shadow of a doubt He is here with me.  He doesn’t always walk with me, sometimes he carries me.  I think about the pain of losing our son on earth, and Easter is a whole new meaning.

I am thankful with every fiber of my body that God sent Jesus to die on the cross for me. I will experience eternity with Him, nothing else matters. As we embark on this week I personally feel a glimpse of the pain of losing and burying a son. As dark as this week ends, and as ugly as the pain is, we live for Sunday, the tomb is empty, He has risen, and I will rise to spend eternity with God’s Son and the entire family of believers.  Glorious will be that day!

Reegan –

We are approaching the 1 month mark of you being in Heaven.  These days.. I seem to be catching myself day dreaming quite often. I’m dreaming of you in Heaven and what you are experiencing.. I long for that day when we meet again. But, Your father and myself are doing well, considering the circumstances.  I never thought we’d make it out alive, drowning in fear and heart ache scared me to death! I have learned to depend on our Sovereign God more than ever in my entire life. Your dad’s prayer every night before you passed away, that God would grant us as parents wisdom to raise you in a godly way. I always thought to myself, wisdom is a different word for what I would have used for God’s guidance in raising you.. but who would have known that it was God speaking to us so clearly.

Today I decided I was going to Google the word wisdom. Wisdom is the judicious theory and application of knowledge. It is a deep understanding and realization of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to apply perceptions, judgments and actions in keeping with this understanding. It often requires control of one's emotional reactions so that universal principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one's actions.  Wow – I had to reread this a few times, to get what it grasped. But, I think it was a perfect usage of words all along! Providence, one would say. Your father has been praying for an understanding of “losing you” before God called you home.

Providence is also another beautiful word that I have come to appreciate. I was always aware that everything happened for a purpose. It wasn’t until Reegan was called home that I truly grasped God’s Providence. Providence:  All predestined therefore every action is because God willed it. Everything is providence! Did you catch that? EVERYTHING is providence. From the moment Reegan was created in my womb, to the moment he was born, to the false diagnosis of testicular cancer, a wonderful 12 week maternity leave, to the time God called Reegan home. EVERYTHING was in God’s plan. We are taking great comfort in knowing that there is nothing that we could have done differently, that would have changed the outcome of keeping you on this earth longer. However, we were not ready to give you up, you are one blessed boy to be serving our Savior in the heavenly kingdom!

Our prayer with many others, is that God will continue giving us a peace that surpasses all understanding. Let me tell you, this peace is unexplainable, that leaves me speechless. However, I know that we serve an Almighty God, that does indescribable things! I pray as we continue on this road of grief, we will continue clinging to God’s promises, because after all we serve a God has bigger and better things in store for us than we can probably imagine!

Reegan, if your receiving a few extra kisses in heaven, they’re from your mama! Sometimes, I just whisper to God and ask him to give you a kiss from me!

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed – Ps. 20:4

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Reegan Drew

It’s been 3 weeks, 21 days, roughly 510 hours since I kissed you goodbye, told you I loved you, and left for work.  This has been the longest, hardest 3 weeks of my life.  Time moves in slow motion, I’m on the outside looking in, and I’m still guarded with my emotions. Yet I know, I know you don’t miss me, I know you probably don’t even realize I’m not in heaven, but I wonder, maybe, just maybe, do you look for me, or miss my voice? In reality, I hope not, I know heaven is a wonderful place filled with joy and celebration, not like this world, not with pain and hurt.

Our lives are getting busy again, busy with work, busy with friends, busy with family.  It’s nice to start figuring out what normal will look like again, even though I’d trade it in an instant for another minute with you.

Today was also the one year anniversary for a classmate of mine’s baby’s passing.  Her name is Peyton, and I know her parents loved her as much as I love you, so we’ll be praying for them today, praying that God holds them close, praying they experience peace, praying the pain goes away for them and doesn’t burn like a fresh wound.

Reegan, today I want to say, I think we’ll be okay, I think we’ll learn to live with the pain, I think we will figure it out.  What once seemed impossible is possible with God. 

I look forward to visiting you tomorrow, your resting place the cemetery is getting quite the assortment of toys, books, animals, lights, and even a pinwheel after tomorrow.  It’s just like you, a happy place… Imagine that, a happy place it a cemetery?!?

To my Buddy Bear –

It’s been almost 3 weeks since, I've gotten to kiss your checks, hear your giggles, hold you close, and whisper, I love you. Why does it seem longer than that? Why does it feel like it’s been years since I've last seen your smile? My hearts hurts. Everything reminds me of you, and I can’t help but think how good we had it! I was on my way to work this morning, and I looked in my rear view mirror, and just that, it broke my heart to not see you sleeping away in your car seat! How long is this aching going to last? I've had several people tell me that the pain will always be there, it just depends how you are going to deal with it. Lord, help me… I pray this over, and over! The quietness of my home is something I never expected to return until your father and myself were old, when our children where all grown and moved out. I’m using this quiet time in my life to learn more about God and to reassure myself of his promises! When I think too much, I just get upset and think about everything that I’m missing out on.. reading books, singing your favorite songs, playing endlessly… then I look out my window and I can’t help but think about walks, bike rides, and camping, When these thoughts overwhelm me, I have to remember that you are happy, and experiencing God’s glory and there’s NOTHING on this earth that compares to that! I can’t help but wonder what Heaven is like, who have you meet, what are you doing, have you asked Jonah what it was like to stay 3 days inside the belly of a whale? Speaking of Jonah, I miss reading that book too! J Every time I have this moment of break down, I need to remember, that life is still good even in the trials. I still Thank God for giving us 4.5 months of pure joy, we will never understand why you were taken so soon. But yet, I praise God and thank him and rejoice with you, because we do know that you are singing with the angels! I know that you are not suffering, hurting, or crying.. so why should I be so sad? I know that God is using this time in our life, to reveal a bigger and better plan for us. I know that God will not leave us hurting forever,  for joy comes in the morning. God is faithful, there are no tragedies in life, because it’s all part of the plan. I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry, it okay to be sad, it’s even okay to ask God why. After all these are part of the steps of grieving, ugh, that’s an ugly word! But then again, I get an overwhelming sense of God’s grace, and then I’m able to put a smile on my face. In a blink of an eye, we will see each other again.. and oh what a joyous day that will be! Till then, see you later!

From your mom

A child that loses a parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband is a widow.
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
for there is no word to describe this pain 

Empty Glass

Tonight I had the opportunity to spend some time with my brother.  Archery is a pasttime of ours, and we spent some time together enjoying it.  Not alot of words were spoken, but we were enjoying time with one another.  I regret not doing this very often.  I enjoy our relationship, and feel like as his older brother I might be able to teach him a thing or two, and learn from him.

After archery we went out for supper, and across the room was a couple with a son, about Reegan's age.  It looked like the dad was having so much fun.  I'm sure I stared, and I'm sure my brother noticed I was only half in the conversation, but he didn't say anything, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm getting past the initial questions and condolences from people now, and they are asking me to dive into how I'm really feeling. I know their concerned, I just really struggle with answers outside of the ones I've rehearsed.  So I am taking a little time now to think, and share about how I'm feeling.  I feel like an empty glass.  I remember what it was like to be full of joy, full of happiness, full of love, but right now I don't have those things.  I'm patiently waiting to be filled again, waiting for what's next.  It doesn't matter whether it's water, milk, or juice, God, just fill my cup, I want to be full again. Not only do I want to be full, the other cup in my cupboard right next to me wants it just as much. She talks about it all the time, and despite my own desires, I have to provide her with patience as well.

So for now I'm empty, but I'm patiently, hopefully, and even at times fearfully waiting to be filled up again.  I know it's coming, but I don't know when.

I know there is people out their still praying for us, and my prayer for tonight is Lord, just give me a glimpse of what is coming, Lord let me see what you are going to fill my cup with, Lord help me to be patient in waiting for you. I do know my glass isn't really empty, it is filled with the Holy Spirit and You are here with me.

Today is March 12, almost two weeks after the Lord called Reegan home.  Today is also Quinn-cidence day, where a couple from from Sioux Falls would have celebrated their daughters one year birthday, except the Lord took her as well.  I've returned to work this week, and life is resuming to a new normal.  Yet not all of me is with it, it seems that even though I am going through the motions, part of me is stuck in the past, always remembering, afraid that I'll forget.  I get asked how it's doing, and get told many of times by people to let me know if they can do anything for me....Well I'm not sure what you can do or even how I'm really feeling right now, you can't bring Reegan back, you can't take away the pain we've experienced, and you certianly can't get us to meet him again any quicker.  I politely brush off the comments, but yes, their is one thing you can do for us, PRAY! Pray the Lord blesses us again, pray for continued peace, pray for our marriage, pray for our adjustments to this new normal. In the meantime we'll be praying too, praying for God to reveal His plan to us, because despite the pain, our God is good, and he will see us through this.